Post by ashliy on Dec 28, 2016 22:30:16 GMT
Shame & Shaming
Definition:
Shaming - The difference between blaming and shaming is that in blaming someone tells you that youdid something bad, in shaming someone tells you that you are something bad.
Feeling Deeply Stained
Shaming is a technique used by abusive people to divert attention away from their own behavior and issues by putting pressure on a victim so they can maintain control. The victim is put into an impossible situation, where they feel they are inherently flawed and so can never measure up to the standards being imposed on them, and therefore must dedicate themselves to attempting to make up for their ‘badness’.
As a tactic, shaming is often used by Personality Disordered parents who misdirect their anger at their children. Unchosen children and adult children of Personality-Disordered parents are often made to feel worthless, useless, unloved and unappreciated.
Some examples of shaming statements include:
“You were a mistake”
“You could never do what he/she does”
“You’ve ruined my life”
“We are all disappointed in you”
“Shame on You!”
How it Feels
If you have been subjected to Shaming or Emotional Blackmail then it is likely that you have been living in a FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt
Fear – that if you don’t do what this person wants there will be hell to pay.
Obligation - you are somehow made to feel indebted to this person - you believe you owe them something even though you have taken nothing from them.
Guilt - you are unworthy - you have broken some unwritten rules - rules which you never agreed to and which were never fully justified or explained to you.
Characteristics of Shame-Based Adults in Relationships:
1. We lose ourselves in love.
2. When we argue, we fight for our lives.
3. We expend a great deal of energy in mind-reading. We frequently talk to ourselves about what our partners are feeling and needing more than to our partners.
4. We pay a high price for those few good times.
5. We often sign two contracts upon commitment, one conscious and another which is unconscious.
6. We blame and are blamed.
7. We want them gone, then fight to get them back.
8. We know it will be different but expect it to be the same.
9. We often feel that our partners are controlling our behavior.
10. We are frequently attracted to the emotional qualities in another that we have disowned in ourselves.
11. We often create triangles in relationships.
12. We seek the unconditional love from our partners that we didn't receive adequately in a shaming childhood.
Source: Shame & Guilt: Masters of Disguise by Jane Middelton-Moz, Ph.D.
outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/shame-shaming